Dating as an Ace?
So I'm probably asexual.
I'm not 100% married to that description of myself because I have a sex drive. I just don't really enjoy sharing that sex drive with anyone.
There are plenty of men who take my asexuality as a challenge. You just haven't met the right person, they say. The people you've been with just didn't know their way around your body, they wink. Blah blah blah. But that's not quite it.
I stopped dating two years ago. I said I was just hitting the reset button by putting myself on a romantic/sexual sabbatical, but then it turned out that I really liked how life felt when my time was only my own and my friends' and my family's. I loved being able to turn dates down with a universal no that couldn't be taken personally. You can't be mad at a person for not wanting to date you if they literally don't want to date anyone. So after my sabbatical ended, I just kept not dating. And for the most part that has felt like the right choice.
I like living alone. I like that no one eats my food or complains about me kicking the sheets off the bed or makes a bunch of noise in the apartment when I'm trying to sleep or read or just enjoy the quiet. I like that I don't have to worry about someone else's feelings all day every day and that I don't have to worry about someone worrying about my feelings all day every day. I like the freedom in that.
But sometimes, falling asleep at night I wish that I had someone to spoon or be spooned. Sometimes, when I've had exactly the right number of drinks I wish I had someone to make out with for a little while. Sometimes I wish I had someone beautiful to look at over a cup of coffee or to make me a snack when I'm exhausted and want to eat something that isn't just another Oreo.
And all of this makes my think that maybe I've been conflating asexuality and aromanticism. Maybe I should try dating. Maybe I should stop with the hard no when I get hit on.
But how do you date as an asexual? There aren't a lot of us and most of us are pretty quiet about who we are. I looked at message boards about it and it seems like asexuals either give up on dating, compromise and have sex even though they don't want to, or ask their partners to compromise and not have sex even though their partners want to.
It's a lose-lose-lose.
One of my friends keeps on telling me that she wishes she could be like me - not needing a partner. She doesn't get what being an asexual is like. To be fair, I haven't done a great job of explaining it. To be fair again, I don't think that I really get what being an asexual is like, so it's hard to explain it.
But I just want her to know that that's not how this works. I am happy by myself, sure, but if I could find a person who fit me right - a person who would live in their own fucking apartment and eat their own fucking food, but sometimes invite me over or come over to cuddle and kiss a little and make some fucking snacks and talk about all the cool shit that we're doing and reading and experiencing - ugh, I would be all over that.
I just don't know how to find it. I don't even know where to look.